I ate today. I waited as long as possible and then I ate. Hated myself afterwards. I ate about 650 cals. today. GROSS!!! I walked and burned about 150 cals and then went on the eliptical for awhile, 50 cals. So I am up 450 cal, and I feel so full and gross. I need to go work out but I am super tired!!

Hey, there was a post on here like a week ago where someone needed advice on how to track how much weight they would loose. Someone put a site down that was a band site or something, but had a link to a page where you type in your height, weight, what kind of person you are and what you want to weigh. Then it tells you how long it will take. WHAT IS THAT SITE?? I didn't save it and I can't find it anywhere....

I feel sooo sick. I have gained a lot of weight this week. I got my peroid really bad and have been having major cramps. I feel so bloated and disgusting I don't want to leave the house. Tomorrow starts my fast, I am going to my parents house and I hope they don't make me eat. I am going to say I am sick. I hope that works. I think it will. Anyway I want to loose 10 lbs, any idea how fast I can do that?

I had a super bad day so I made myself a buch of vodka cocktails..I now feel sick and want to die,,,

The past 24 hrs have been crazy!! I weighed 2 more lbs today than yesterdAy which makes me want to scream!! I am SOOO tired right now though I want to sleep for days!! I was doing great on Wed. didn't eat too much then I went to go get coffee and when I pulled into the parking lot I saw my ex with a new girl standing by his car. I wanted to scream! It's stupid really though b/c he was the one who said he was in love with me and I am the one who gave the just friends speech...anyway maybe it was just knowing what could have been, but it made me SuPeR mad at myself so I drove home. All of the sudden I wanted ice cream..RIGHT AWAY so I stopped at the grocery store by my house. Only I didn't  go down the ice cream aisle, instead I ended up staring at the Wine Coolers. Cheezy I know but they had no hard liquor at the store and I hate beer, so I bought a four pack and went home. I also bought a small pack of m&m's. When I got back to the apt I opened the 1st one and drank it like kool-aid. Then I opened the m&ms and picked out the orange and brown ones (totaling 6) and threw the rest away. Then I drank the remaining 3 wine coolers..it took that just to get a tiny buzz. Then yesterday on my way home from work I was super depressed because I hadn't slept well the night before and I have a HUGE zit on my chin. So I stopped at the liquor store and bought a bottle of vodka....stupid idea!! I had about 6 or 7 shots mixed in my diet dr pepper so my roomies wouldn't notice. Then I went shopping. I think I need to dump the bottle. I have an unusual high tolerance, (yeaterday I didn't feel a thing), and it takes a lot to make me feel tipsy. Thus meaning a lot of disgusting CALORIES!! I want to have a party this weekeNd though...so I may need it, hate to wast the $. I am so hungry right now. I am tempted to throw my roomMates loaf of bread away. Say I saw mold on it or something!! I was supposed to go out with my friends tonight but found out my parents are coming to town to drop off some furniture I need. UGH...I better look fat otherwise my mom will get into it about my weight!!! I WILL NOT DRINK THE VODKA I WILL NOT DRINK THE VODKA!! ;)

Do you hate it that you throw away food? I seriously like cooking for other people. I just never really eat it. I just like cooking. It keeps my mind off eating (strange I know) and keeps me busy. I don't like it however when I cook and noone is home to actually eat the food. For example yeaterday I made a loaf of banana bread and stir fry for my roomates for dinner. I ate a slice of the bread yesterday and one today then I threw away the rest of the loaf in fear that I would eat more. Then there was leftover stir fry which my roomates had put in tpperware. (I am sure they would take it to work for lunch or something) I threw it all down the disposal so I wouldn't eat any. I do this all the time, one time I actually threw out my roomates ice cream because I didn't want to be tempted to eat any. The worst part is that I lied to her and said that I acdently left it on the kitchen counter and it melted so I had to throw it away...(sigh)..I am physco. Batches of cookies, muffins, candy, brownies, pretty much any sort of food, I throw it. It's kinda sad to think that there are starving children out there and i throw away all the food I cook.

On another note I just started a new book Secrets of the Model Dorm, it's pretty good. 

Also, the Vitiman C pills are working, but I think I need to drink more water with them...

One more thing before I go, any of you ever drink the energy drink Spark? I LOVE LOVE LOVE it!! It comes in pouches like the green tea to go and you mix it with water. It give you tons of energy and only costs like $2 for  a 10 pack..;)

Later..

The past year and a half has been crazy for me. I worked a job that drove me insane. I loved it but it caused me to work SO much over time, it consumed my life. I really didn't want to have to leave, but I finally did. It's crazy I will be working a lot less, and making the same about of money..yeah!!! So now I have time to do all the things I miss, like today I got up read, did laundry and gave myself a mani/pedi treatment! :) It was super, relaxing and peaceful! Plus I have eaten nothing today:) Life is great! It's going to be an AWESOME summer!! With all this time off I will have plenty of time to meet new people, take a couple of mini road trips... I CAN'T WAIT!!!

OK so today went a lot better than the past few!! I didn't eat a thing except some animal crackers. (I work at a daycare where I am "required" to eat lunch and snack with the kids). I figured that was about 120 calories, and I went to the gym to work it off! I also drank 3 diet dr peppers. Its that new kind berries and cherries..that stuff is AMAZING!! I feel like I really had sugar, It totally curbed my cravings!!! :) I am so glad today went good! I was begining to get a little depressed...thinking I lost my control or something!!! I am so wierd!

I am crazy... I am SOO obsessed with my weight. I can't eat...well that's the problem I can eat. I get so fucking hungry but I don't want to eat because of the crazy calories!! This weekend I went nuts! If I have food and I am super hungry to avoid eating it I throw it down the disposal! I actually dumped an entire jar of peanut butter, I also went on a major binge last night!! I ate SO much but I couldn't stop!
-Lasagne type dish
-Cookie
-6 Meatballs
-hot dog
-cheese sandwich
-3 ice cream dibs
-potato chips
-2 brownies
-2 mini cin rolls
YUCK!!!
I AM SOOO GROSS

I think I may be crazy..not too sure just maybe. 
I hate myself. Ever feel that way? I want to look perfect. Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be thin...very thin. I hate the thought of having any fat on me. IT makes me sick. I weigh about 101 lbs. Not much? Well for me it's 101 too much. I am only 5'3", so it it seems like a ton. I am obsessed with exercising and not eating. IT has taken over my life and plans my day for me. I am sick! But I don't know what I would do without out it...